I went to a church retreat this weekend. I'm still processing stuff, triggered not so much from the retreat as the burning question that continues to linger about my place and calling. Actually, yesterday's message triggered a lot of emotions about my sense of purpose.
I'll be more direct. I can't believe it, but I'm still wrestling with this pastoral thing. I still have no idea how I've arrived at this place in my life. How the heck did I go from Physics to engineering, from engineering to IT, and now from IT to this? Honestly, I can't help but want more of a conventional life.
Yet I realized that it's very difficult for me to disassociate myself from life experiences, both the direct and vicarious ones. They have shaped my perspective, my reality. Though I sometimes try to be like everybody else, I can't b/c these very experiences have been etched into my soul. Missions and the Word of God have forever changed my life.
But I get tired of being an "alien", that when I share with ppl, they give me this funny look. So I either try not to share or try to assimilate myself with those around me; yet inside, my thinking or passions seem to differ from the values and pursuits of my culture. I feel this constant tension; trying to be like everybody else, yet trying to follow God's call not to be like everybody else. The confusion resides in that the call is faith based, and that is in its very nature unclear.
Regardless of whether it's ministry or not, I'm compelled to follow the unconventional. When I drank the Lord and the experiences he has lead me on, I also unknowingly drank His fire and passion. At times, the Word of the Lord and His glory overwhelms me. His fire burns away the clouds that cover the reality of heaven. He comes to forefront, where all that is true, good, and magnificence are found in Him...when there is nothing better than to simply behold Him.
gear
it's late, but here are some oct. 2004 pics including jimmy and ivy's wedding. yeah, most of these pics belong to gw. so if they're bad, don't blame me. :)
24"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
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we read this passage last night at this bible study. it's funny how being in a group motivates me to intensely look at scripture. ( i guess class motivates me too) interestingly, i equated the house to the reality that we built; essentially our worldview and perspective. the rock is Jesus and the sand is man's created order or derived explanation of life. as believers, we must reference, build, take a stance, or stake our claim on the rock Jesus. Christ becomes absolute, a place where we construct our reality, and see/reference life. then when the greater reality is ushered in, unlike the house/reality built on human wisdom, science, or philosophy; our house/reality will be to withstand onslaughts and the storms of the life to come.
the passage evokes fears, and at the same time, provides encouragement to stay the course. i tell ya, Christ is so good at illustrating the profound in such a simple way. i guess that's why the author at the end stated:
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28When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, 29because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.
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man..i'm amazed!
gear
i ask myself, when will we:
define God as a personal god, rather than an objective one?
embrace our culture, yet not conform to it?
cease relating God to our dreams, rather than relating ourselves to Him - His dreams for us?
see spiritual maturity not in what we do, but in who we know?
follow God out of truth and passion, rather than out of truth and duty?
the church become outward rather remain inward?
stop ignoring social injustices, even how we indirectly contribute to them?
speak truth personally rather than intellectually?
value community over individualism?
find identity in Him alone?
not live for the moment, but for the future?
live as aliens rather than citizens?
fly instead of run?
gear