It was probably the most moving WCC conference I’ve been to…actually, the most moving conference period. The experience may have been elevated b/c of my current state: that I desire to live fully and without inhibition, yet prevented from doing so psychologically b/c of the scars of life. (Vague again, I know) But yeah, Jimmy Seibert’s messages were pretty powerful – simple and raw. He quickly traversed those superficial layers of culture and Christian behavior. He went to the core, our relationship with the Lord: how we see Him (Father, son, and Spirit), how we spend time with Him (or don’t), and how we grow closer to Him (practical steps, “faithfulness”) in order to take risk (faith). Man, it seems like I was shedding tears every session. Yeah, I can’t remember having them gush out three mornings in a row. It was caused by my sense of brokenness, bankruptcy, and failure.
Yeah, I got some major blockage going on. (not the constipation variety) It’s psychological, buried deep but surfacing this past weekend. Essentially, I don’t trust the Lord with big steps, ones that require a deep internal risk. It’s liken to a knee that can’t extend fully, or bat/tennis rack that doesn’t swings through. I feel like scars from my life, especially those heart-filled risks I took for the Him that didn’t work out, have created blockage; a lack of confidence to fully let go. It’s like the person that is scared to fall because the last time he let go, he hit the ground - there was nobody to catch him.
Yeah, I know it too well. I’ve been sort of alluding to this in my writing. Man, I don’t want to just walk with the Lord. I don’t want to just run. I want to fly. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. (What’s the song the repeats this?) Yeah, I was pretty broken. I prayed to the Lord, and told Him all I could offer was my heart.
It’s all psychological. I need some healing of not just knowing He is good, but really feeling and believing He is a good, and He will not let me fall…that He has never allowed me to fall.
I know the restoration has begun…to fly. Man.i have this thing about chicken and eagles. I’ll blog about it later.
gear
one of many journal entries at wcc on sat...still processing though..
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Jimmy’s messages have been challenging and moving. I’ve shed tears two mornings in the row. After he shared about the devastation and restoration in Sri Lanka, I started balling when we prayed. I wanted so bad for God to bring wholistic restoration to the devastated areas; that along with physical and emotional healing, eternity would enter the hearts of those who lost so much….
During worship, I saw flashes/memories from my previous missions flow through my consciousness. I was reminded of how things felt so right: life was so clear, so free. I felt connected to not only humanistic desire to care for people, but also the Christian desire to care for souls.
Death and the raising of Lazarus continue to invade my thoughts. It spawned from both an analysis of the passage and my time at City Team. As I reflected on the poor and homeless, or in general the current state of reality, I’m convinced that things aren’t right – fallen. The shortcoming of life surfaces when I see the environment of the homeless. Moreover, it’s even more apparent when you see their current physical, emotional, and psychological state. Their lives reflect obvious human pain, suffering, and despair – it is the air of death. Instead of removing ourselves from this stench, I believe we must engage it. After all, are we not as human connected in the sinful nature, the cause of death? Jimmy Seibert said we must not in run from crisis, but we must engage it. (In the context of the Tsunami devastation.) If you look at the world in it’s entirely, you will surely smell the aroma of death that permeates the current state of life. It’s unavoidable.
It’s natural to avoid these signs of death. We want to isolate ourselves from it, sometimes circumvent all talk about it. Death scares most of us. In the account of Lazarus, the author John shared about death’s grip on humanity; that it prevented people from seeing the Lord – to see the glory of God. Jesus wept not so much for His love of Lazarus as for His anger at how death enslaved/blinded folks from seeing Him. The overwhelming effect of death brought a sense of finality to life, inhibiting people from seeing Life and placing their faith in Him. When Jesus raised Lazarus, the glory of God was shown, and the sting of death removed. Similarly, when we engage the death that surrounds us, especially among the poor and homeless, we are not to succumb to this sense of despair. For just as death permeates the current state of life, the glory of God permeates it as well. Nature and creation speaks of the glory of God. But more directly, we as believers are imparted with the very life of Christ. Therefore, we are not without hope. Moreover, we are the channels that bring LIFE to death. I think that’s incredible, that both death and life are in the air, whereby grace serves as the bridge that connects the two. When grace is given, and the Lord is received, death and all its effects slowly fade a way.
Man, I can’t wait till Christ comes! When the LIFE comes, death and its slavery will be judged, abolished forever – there will be no pain, suffering, and despair in heaven. For now, we stake our claim on LIFE, and tell death to take a hike!
gear
my sister gave birth to twins today. :) they're premature, but in good health overall. pictures to follow.
gear
The “other-centered” noise surround our lives. It is the atmosphere that partially directs our immediate actions and decisions. Its existence derived from the uneasiness within, purposely driven to bombard the soul, to dull the pain and confusion of ultimate reality.
We are taught that the healthiest people are those who have a goal, a cause and a direction “Yep, I am working on…I am planning to…I looking to become… We are also taught to “get a life”. We get many friends, we get the friend, we get things to do Friday, and we get not to be home on Saturday night – I am busy, busy, busy. Yep, we fill our time to converge on this form of healthiness; an identity defined and propped up by continual movement. And when a crisis hits us…oh man, we need to get into emergency recovery mode. And if that doesn’t work. Heck, do something more drastic. Get busier than ever. Lose yourself in somebody else. Dance the night away. Bungy jump off a cliff. Get slammed! (I love saying, though I never got that far J) Whatever form it is, it is like taking a drug to purposely ease the uneasiness. The drug may not be a chemical one, but it has the same effect/function.
If you remove all the busyness, what are we left with? What if we remove the variety of created things that serve to deflect the malaise of simply being still, to confront the fact that we are lost? Silence and stillness…does that not frighten us? Don’t we dread the prolonged period of doing nothing? It is much easier to keep busy, to avoid the inner restlessness.
Contrary to what people believe, keeping busy…doing doing doing…is way we simplify and coup with a life that is much more complex and confusing at its core. We seldom confront life at this level, to risk being thrown into the overwhelming emptiness and uncertainty within us. The feeling of significance created by ourselves and busyness is as fragmented and dissonant as the noise we bombard our lives with.
The inability to be still may indicate shallowness in relationships. As believers, it indicates that we are not as close to the Lord as we think. When we are alone, we feel lonely instead of feeling alone with Him. We can’t stand being with our Lord for a long period because we simply don’t know Him. We lack intimacy with Him, unable to fully grasp what His presence means for us in this life. We think and know in our head, but we don’t feel – to be consumed by Him, to delight with awe of His closeness, goodness and greatness.
Being still may seem like nothingness, emptiness to us. It is without a reference. However, if we practice gazing into the Lord, we soon discover a “creator-centric” noise that simplifies our lives. It is noise that is full and stereophonic. It is nothing like nothingness, it is clear, dynamic, powerful, meek, pure peaceful, purposeful, true – it is us being found.
I tell ya, I haven’t arrived in this area of intimacy. But the other day, I was driving and booming my worship music. (ghetto upbringing) And the thought of noise came to me as the worship noise shouted simplicity to my life. It helped reorient my perspective, drowning out my immediate concerns; that He is the answer, the reason and motivation in my life.
Can’t wait till I hear fully and clearly the noise of heaven. For now, I’ll try my best to open the ears of my heart…
gear
btw.. ppl saying they're busy, busy, busy all the time...getting the thrill from it are somewhat unattractive. just my opinon though
when there a pretty woman in front of you, it's hard to look cool ????!!...if you're taking advantage of the 10 for 10 sale at cala! even worst, when you also take advantage of the no-limit, and have 30 jars of ragu in your cart!
you can try to switch your stance a bit, and divert attention away from the cart filled with spaghetti sauce...but man, it's tough when: the bagger says, "did you leave any on the shelf?", the cashier says, "wow, do you have enough?", and the guy behind you says, "that's one way to think ahead". i tried to tell (more like mumbled in embarassment) ppl that all of the sauce wasn't for me. it's for my family and friends. (it's the truth! what the heck would i do with 30 jars of sauce?!)
man..it also doesn't help that after loading the groceries into my cart, i almost got hit by that very same woman, who happens to drive a very cool bmw convertible!
coolness...it's overrated!
gear
Glory movie always strike a chord with my soul. Friday Night Lights….man, now that is such a great movie! In this movie, the team actually loses the final game. Though seemingly defeated, the team is actually victorious in the big picture. As with Coach Gain’s speech, perfect is not the victory at the end, but rather perfect is about our relationships at home and our relationships with each other. Essentially, perfect or victory is best illustrated with what happens at the end, that if indeed we are unified in our effort, then my friends, we can never be labeled as losers.
Man, I’m all riled up from the Movie. In one sense, I feel like shouting because of how much adrenaline flowed from watching the action. In another sense, I feel like crying because of the nostalgia and the virtual bonding I had with the movie characters. I couldn’t wait for the credits, to hear about what happen to each one of them.
I can’t help but believe that the desire for this type of glory is implanted in the human soul. We are made to experience all these feelings, to be human, to be exalted, and to share in something greater outside of just ourselves – something together. Gosh, to relive that scene over and over. I tell ya...I could live in that moment for eternity.
There’s something about sports. It really normalizes people. We’re all the same when we play sports. It’s instinctive and raw. It removes all the layers that give us a fakish identity. In its purest state, people play for each other, to support and share in the moment.
And I have to say, there’s something about Texas. It makes something raw even more raw – people from that state seem so down to earth. I’m sure it’s a stereotype, but let me live in the naiveté, because to see things simply is what I strive for.
Alright, I don’t know if this makes sense. I do know I need to get some sleep. But I tell ya: I love football, love team camaraderie, I love memories, and I love all of things combine to convey the fullness of the memory and moment.
Peace out ya’ll.
gear