you ever try to cook something either through a cook book or experimentation, and it just becomes a mess? i remember doing that in college. i was in summer school, and decided to cook the common black bean chicken bittermelon dish. instead of chicken, i used canned chicken. (it's like canned tuna) i added the chicken, threw in the bittermelon, and slapped on the black bean paste. back then, i didn't know i was supposed to add water, sugar, and corn starch to the paste. well, canned chicken is salty, and black bean paste, it's also salty. salty + salty = more salty. my dish...salty. in cases like this, it's definitely easier to start all over than to try to fix the mess. just think how difficult it would be to dilute the paste, add sugar, and evenly thicken the sauce - not easy.
so i was thinking about how God is such a great god to work with messes. if you look at life, there are good things intermixed with bad things. when you contrast that with heaven, things just seem bad. we're like the salty bittermelon chicken dish. it would have been easier to start over. yet God chooses not to. He didn't recreate. instead, God works with the mess: became a mess, suffered with the mess, and restores the mess. it kind of correlates with the concept of remnant, an expression of His mercy.
moreover, He claims all of the reality we see, touch, and smell. He doesn't point toward another/distant reality, He points towards a greater reality that coincides with this reality. He fixes this reality. He saves our lives. He sent His son to reclaim the reality of us in our falleness in order to take us to Him in His risen-ness. but we are not removed from this life. nah, we are being restore in the context of this reality, to prepare us for the full realization of heaven/His kingdom on earth.
gear
you ever missed the same bus twice? in both instances, you drop your cell phone while running after it? you get to the back of the bus, and wave you hand like "you just don't care", and it still takes off. man, talk about looking stupid two times in one day. ground hogs day!
yeah, i'm half an hour late for work. arrgh. i also cracked my palm, as i also dropped it in the midst of running.
but it's all good. i'm here safely and it is splendid weather for group bbq! i'm bringing some ghetto hot links from walgreens since i forgot to shop for something last night. hopefully, i can inconspicuously placed them next to the good food. it serves as a good contrast, making the good food that much better. :)
gear
i had an eventful, but rest filled weekend. things i realized or have been reiterated this weekend are that i definitely am low/base in terms of what i identify with and what i enjoy, and that i still have very strong passions towards missions.
i had some fun yesterday joining this father and son practice baseball. i went up to the father, and asked whether he needed somebody to play first base. he hit ground balls to the son, while i caught the throws. i tell ya, that's relaxing. man, i would love to coach baseball. there's not many things as down to earth as playing sports (sports is one of the greatest common denominators), especially baseball.
i also went to the central asia mtg last night. this girl shared about her time in central asia. she taught the grp how to sing a u song. the song was wonderfully simple and powerful. i started to tear up inside. (i seem to tear up inside a lot these days. i'm either becoming a basket case, or becoming more free about letting those healthy emotions out.) it also provided reminders of what i'm passionate about, and the times i felt most free to live. yeah, i feel like quitting my job right now, and go on the trip. i rather do this than go on vacation. but i can't imagine my employer giving me 4.5 weeks off. i should just quit! quit! mondays..quit! tuesday..quit!. quit! quit! ..... anyhow, a lot of changes are brewing, from moving to getting involved/starting up different ministries. i'm excited about those changes. end of june. :)
we'll see though. it's up to Him. (Prov. 16:1 "To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue."
gear
i got a chance to co-mc a wedding this past weekend. annie, the bride, is probably one of my closest girlfriends to date that has gotten married. she has seen all my sides, from the goofy side to the contemplative side, and accepts it all. i'm very thankful for friendships such as this one. but yeah, it was really different seeing a close friend get married. i'm really happy for her.
dan (the other co-mc) and i got some compliments for conducting the reception. it was somewhat nerve racking, making sure everything ran smoothly, from the timely introduction of family to injection of entertainment - games. it didn't help that i started to tear up during the slide show, and when yee feng sang "who am i" (annie and dave's song selection to reflect their relationship w/the Lord) by casting crowns. i tell ya, that song grips the heart. but i held the tears in, and continued to focus. it was also good catching up w/college friends.
i got more to write, but i'll just leave it at that. here are the pics.
i'm sitting here waiting to get off work. i have to stay until 5:30. arrgh....i guess i'll blog. man, i've been prolific recently. i got so many thoughts going through my head.
in many ways, i feel sort of released and refreshed this week. there were some periods of lows, but also some periods renewed inspiration.
in general, i can't say confidence is my strongest trait. during pressure situations, i tend to get pretty nervous, and botch up what i'm trying to convey or accomplish. this inability to perform or execute has been a constant in my life. i remember playing baseball, how i knew i was one of the best players in the team, but i got so nervous - all jacked up and tense - that i overthrew a first baseman nicknamed "big bird". yeah, that dude was like 6' 7". imagine a chinese catcher launching the ball "on a rope" (meaning, the trajectory of the ball doesn't have much of an arc - it's going fast) over the head of a 6' 7" first baseman with long arms! my friends where like, how the heck did you overthrow big bird? my coach told me i was one of more gifted catchers in the league, but only when i was relaxed. the word he used to describe me was erratic. on days when i was relaxed, i seemed like one of the best players in the league, but on days when something went wrong, i became unassertive and seemed like one of the worst players. the word erratic in general reflects me in life; whether it be sports, relationships, test taking, giving messages, leading worship, talking to upper management - everything.
i've accepted that i'm not always mentally strong, and psychologically wired this way. i believe this is the thorn in my flesh that the Lord uses to keep me humble and dependent on Him; that i can't do it on my own, and that i'm in need of His grace every minute, second, and moment of the day. but it doesn't mean i shouldn't try. like with basketball, the more i try, the more accustomed and thus relax i become in specific situations - it allows me to more of myself.
many of you know that i've been considering ministry (i actually dislike this word ministry. it sounds so culturally Christian) for quite some time, and last year's attempt left me pretty scarred up. consequently, i didn't see myself trying it again. this year has been one of wrestling with doing something else, and trying again even if i don't know specifically where i'm suppose to be in ministry: missions/overseas/church, denomination, environment, and philosophy. does it mean i'm suppose to be in ministry? no. but it does mean, i should claim with faith the passions and fire the Lord has placed in my heart, and try again.
so what is my revelation? i feel like i see things different (not that i'm better, just different) and it's okay to volunteer and put myself out there more. if i have something to share, share it. though i express things better in writing than in verbalization, i need to voice it. it doesn't matter if it comes out all tangled up, i need to do it anyway. for me, it means being obedient to the Lord and having more and more confidence in Him.
it just doesn't pertain to sharing and volunteering, but it also relates to how i express myself and love others. i may not jump during worship or raise my hands, but i got some fire burning in me. well, i'm thinking if i feel like jumping, i should jump. (i don't for the most part) in loving others, i need to be more encouraging and edifying through my actions and words. i mean it's good to pray for them, but sometimes ppl need tangible authenticity. at least, i know that about myself. i don't crave attention or seek the limelight, but i cherish encouragement. it's so important to encourage each other in this journey of life, and to do so in community: hoping, running, seeking the Lord together.
alrighty...5:30! :)
gear
dude...on a side note, what's up with tom cruise and katie holmes? she's a cutie and he, well, he's fortunate. somebody told me he has the million dollar smile, but 16 years... yeah, i was at safeway, and them both (is that southern, them both?) were on the magazine covers.
gear
i sort of had a revelation yesterday. sort of. i figure since i'm emotional and i honestly care for ppl, why don't i show it more? so i'm going to hug ppl more: guys, girls, babies, dogs..whatever. of course, i want to be genuine, but sometimes, i'm inhibited from hugging b/c i don't want to seem fake even though i'm sincere. does that make sense? overall, i should be what personality is, and though ppl may think contrary, i'm a hugger. haha...don't be surprise if you get a hug the next time you see me. we'll see how well this revelation is realized.
gear
stiff chinese christian man...i think that's the worst first impression
you can give anybody. somehow when i'm nervous, i think ppl might get
this impression of me. though i don't need to defend myself, maybe i can
try to address these areas. we often talk about having edge, so i might
as well display a little of it.
stiff - i'm pretty laid back, but i'm also pretty wild and goofy. i can
even get my groove on the dance floor, but i prefer to do so in a
wedding rather than at a dance club. somehow, wedding dances seem fun and
clean. dance clubs, i don't know. from my perspective, too much
fronting going on, not necessarily with my friends but with the regular
attendees. i rather have the freedom to be stupid, than have an
obsession to be cool. that's truly not being stiff - being stupid.
chinese - i might be chinese, but i don't have much ethnic pride. i
could care less about h.k. or anything associated with being cantonese.
besides, cantonese folks are low men on the totem pole among the
chinese. it doesn't matter b/c ppl are human beings at the most base
level, and christians, well, we are saved - no difference between jew
and gentile. my identity isn't with my ethnicity, but with Christ.
christian - i am a christian, but i didn't grow up in a church or
christian environment. (not to say there is anything wrong with it.
it's not right when folks label/discount ppl who grew up in a christian
home) as with anybody else, i want ppl to know that my faith is my own.
it isn't formed from social construct or derived from some cultural influence; it's my claim of Christ as my savior, my life, my hope...my reality.
man - hopefully, i don't need to address this area. i am what i am...haha
hey, this blog sounds edgy, ah? :)
i tell ya, nothing like claiming your freedom in Him where who you are in Him is stupid edgy! stupid edgy...if that makes sense.
gear
it's ironic that as i try to learn, grow, and understand life and Life, i find that there is so much i don't know. instead of a firmer grasp of life, i find myself overwhelmed and humbled by the broadness of life...that in fact, i really know nothing in comparison to all there is to know.
pertaining to God, i read books on theories and theologies that confuse me more. there are many different viewpoints, showing me He is not easily defined, or grasped. (it doesn't mean i don't have a convicted understanding of things, just that i admit, things aren't as clear as some make it out to be.) God is vast, huge; larger than I imagine. i can't compartmentalize Him, calculate or predict His actions with logic, a set pattern, or superstition. trying to understand Him is like trying to grab all the stars with your hand - you end up with nothing. at the same time, i do know Him. in this respect, God though infinite avails Himself in a touchable, relate-able, and intimate way. he is close and graspable in the intangibles. He touches and dwells in my heart. like the Sun that shines, He reveals and shares Himself as an expression of His pleasure. what an unexpected progress: to realize that i know so little, yet to know Him that much more. God is great in both His vastness and His closeness. "how great is our God...sing again....how great is our God."
gear
music has always serve to restore order in times of chaos. i just boom the music really loud, allowing it to drown out the complexities of life.
recently, i've been kicking workship and alternative christian music. i sing out of key, clap off-beat, and shout out the wrong words. but it doesn't matter b/c it's raw and inhibited. it's the freedom of the soul that declares the reign of the Lord; a passionate hope found in a caring and ever-present God.
while losing myself in the music, i am directed toward Him. yes, in losing myself, i am incredibly found, and incredibly find. the noise of heaven brings about simplicity and clarity...the source, motivation and purpose in life - to worship and gaze at my Lord.
gear